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Ed
and Sieglinde on Lake Champlain, 2000 |
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In the
dawn hours for two years following the death of his wife, Ed
wrote letters to Sieglinde she would never see. The letters
detail a man’s grief and recount the journey he and his wife
took together through the course of a cancer that is always
fatal. Interwoven with Ed’s letters are excerpts from the
journal Sieglinde kept of her condition following her diagnosis.
These two voices tell the touching story of ordinary people, a
forty year marriage, and the struggle to continue living.
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“The letters are a very real portrayal of grief. This isn’t
reminiscing after everything is healed and life is all better.
That the reader experiences the author’s emotions, the
uncertainties and hopes as they occur, heightens the emotional
impact."
Mary Ellen Johnson, author and editor |
"A powerfully written and candid
account of the loss of a spouse; more than a journey through
grief it is the tale of a love story and marriage. A beautiful
description of the importance of family and friends in the good
and bad times of our lives."
Dr.
Richard Sprague, educator
and
Janet Sprague, therapist
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"The writing moves from letter
to letter without slipping into sentimentality or repetition.
The details, as they get introduced, —a wedding here, a trip
there— compose the daily round of life that vanishes in death
and time. The inner dialogue of bittersweet recollections — a
lament and elegy — moves the writing beyond the narrative. The
insistence of Sieglinde’s journal entries quickens the
heartbeat, until it reaches its forgone conclusion. “
Millie Matasso, English teacher
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FROM THE BOOK
Death and grief, almost pure emotion, resist rational
thought, but old habits are hard to break. The sharpest
critics of these letters said they lacked passion and that I
distanced myself from the experience of Sieglinde dying and
my feelings about that. As I reread the letters I must
agree and have tried through editing, to bring back the
emotion that I felt but perhaps could not get down on paper.
Distancing was a way of coping with the pain. I fell back
on my old ways of dealing with the world perhaps with the
belief it would heal my grief.
***
You had said to me
earlier in your hospital stay that “maybe its time to take a
break from the chemo” so I guess you knew. I had imagined
some day the possibility of ending all treatments and lying
peacefully in bed talking about our children and our good
life, or visiting with our children and grandchildren even
with colds and without masks to protect you from germs.
Instead we continued to hope for more time as “the
inevitable efforts of hospitals to cure” took charge.
***
1/26/97
Had good talk yesterday with
Holly who is looking into some alternative approach people
for me. Feeling almost positive today!
Ed and I have an interview with Dr. Kouri on Monday. We are
making a list of questions and I am realizing that I’m not
sure exactly how much I want to know.
Sieglinde’s journal
***
The play was the last time we would
celebrate our anniversary. I remember it as if it were
yesterday. I had the crazy idea of taking a limo into
Boston. We had dinner at Legal Seafood's. Although you pooh
poohed the limo you went along since it was on my list of
things to do before I died. You loved it more than I. We
never drank the champagne, but it was a wonderful
anniversary, our fortieth, and last. But we didn’t know
that, or did we imagine that possibility?
***
6/30/03
My blood counts today were white 2000, hermaticrit (red)
28.2 and the platelets are at 215. This is pretty similar
to last time except the red count is down. We will start
the Procrit shots again this week. Tak wants to start chemo
soon. I will have a CAT scan this Thursday and start the
chemo next Thursday. It will be the CVP. ... He will be
watching my reaction pretty closely since my white and red
counts are pretty low to begin with. I feel pretty resigned
to this, although it does bring one back to the reality of
the disease.
Sieglinde’s journal
***
I have had some nice things happen.
I got the check book balanced for the first time since I
took over the job. And I sanded and finished the
granddaughters’ jewelry boxes. Left only is to glue in the
felt and attach the hardware. I am pleased with the
results and it is good to have gotten back into the shop to
do some significant work. Dani and Sara picked out some of
your costume jewelry to go in them.
***
I have learned over the
years to cherish both the woods and the beach. Because we
loved both together each has so many memories of our love
and our marriage. The woods are about constancy, the beach
about change. Both bring comfort and rejuvenation. Both
bring me reminders of all that was good in our love.
The beach is where my mind and heart live now. The
stability and refuge of our woods is less important because
I live a life constantly changing.
***
When Sieglinde died I
would quip to married friends as a way of both hiding and
describing the pain of grief, “one thing is certain, make
sure you die first.” And even now I would have wanted to
avoid that pain. And yet now I can see I have learned from
it, and that there is much that has been shown to me.
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Ed and
Sieglinde's four children, spouses and grandchildren
sporting hats knit by Sieglinde for Christmas, 2003, the month
she died. |
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To order
Letters to Sieglinde,
to e-mail Ed Martin:
e-smartin@comcast.net
Half of
all book proceeds will be donated to The Leukemia and Lymphoma
Society
or to the American Cancer Society
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